I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
