If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
