One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
