would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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