I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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