Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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