I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
