im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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