Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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