dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
