my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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