Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
