I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
