I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
