i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
