My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
