Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
