Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
