Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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