I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
pop tarts are not kleenex
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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