If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
