My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
