Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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