Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
