im holly from the hills drunk
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize