If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
