i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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