the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
