Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
