dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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