I want to have your abortion
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
