Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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