At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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