I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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