I hate all girls vehemently.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
