My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
