Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
