Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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