Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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