I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
