One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize