I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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