Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
