thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
