I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
