Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
