I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
