i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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