He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
