it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So here I am, sexting at work.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
