I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize