I will die if light touches me.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
