Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
