i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
